From a Man's Perspective

Helping your wife during Menopause

Understanding the menopausal changes in your wife or girlfriend is very simple; it just takes selflessness and love.  I have to assume, like it is my case, that every man in a committed relationship loves his wife or girlfriend.  From that point of view, every man must want the best for his wife: success, health, and happiness. It is important to be informed on the symptoms that this phase in her life entails.  I am a firm believer that a man who is in a serious relationship can only be as fulfilled and happy as he makes his wife. In other words, your happiness is determined by your own actions.  In order to be successful in a relationship, men first need to stop seeing women as caretakers (moms) and realize that every once in a while women like to be taken care of, need a loving hug, need encouragement, and need a simple gesture of consideration; women need you to be a real man!  It is my experience that happy women can return that happiness to their man by ten fold; so the choice is yours.  By no means, am I saying that my theory is 100% proven; if you are in a relationship where your wife or girlfriend is the most important person in your life, you are caring, helpful, encouraging, a good communicator, and passionate and yet still she treats you as if you were a Quasimodo, I have great advice for you .... RUN!

In dealing with my lovely wife's menopause, I made a conscientious effort to avoid falling in the "I'm  a victim" trap. My wife's menopause was and at times still is my wife's life change. It would be extremely selfish for me to feel like a victim for a few sleepless nights and a few unprovoked mood swings. Instead, my role in dealing with my wife's menopause is to be supportive, understanding and minimize the already high levels of stress that this condition can bring about.

We have a true advantage in confronting menopause as a couple, we have good communication with one another and I am a good listener. Also, my wife is an avid researcher and reader and I have been in the medical field for over 25 years. Also, instead of feeling sorry for herself, she has been open to suggestions and has tried everything from over-the-counter medications, to nutritional remedies and physical exercises. Another battle that we have been able to win is the sadness that stems from low self-esteem due to "inevitable" body changes. I'm here to tell you that you can slow the way your body changes with proper nutrition and exercising.  Everything I do fitness wise, I do with us in mind (another way of showing selflessness); from buying two mountain bikes, to home fitness equipment, and our latest household fitness craze, workout videos used with inexpensive resistance bands; the reason behind the ideas is only one, to do things together and enhance our health.  

Below you will find some hints to help your significant other through menopause:

1)  Listen and don't speak unless you are asked to; and even then don't give opinions.  Really, us men think that we can solve every problem and our opinions and advice are the only ones that count. Instead, when she talks about her feelings or concerns encourage more conversation by asking the right questions: What do you think is causing you to feel that way?; How can I be of help to you?  Don't ever use directive words like need or must as in: You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "You must snap out of it." You will cause extreme resentment, cut communication completely and may not wake up alive the next morning.

2) By all means, know her pet peeves and avoid them. Those pet peeves become one thousand times more intolerable during menopause. My wife's pet peeves are drawers and closet doors left opened; sounds menial, right? Not as menial a task that it is for me to close drawers and closet doors and avoid an unnecessary argument. I must admit that at times I did leave them open on purpose for the sake of teaching her that she was arguing over insignificant things but during menopause it's not the time to teach anything.

3) Remember always that she is still a woman and most importantly, remind her always that she is your partner in life. A day in the spa, hair, make up, pedicure and manicures can do wonders for her ego but nothing changes if she does not get accolades from you. Be genuine but not overwhelming; they know what's in your mind from a simple look or a simple caressing touch.

4) Make time for her and for you.  Go out on a date and enjoy each others company.  Do things both of you have always wanted to do. Do not allow your favorite sport to get in the way when you have a date. She comes first for you and you come first for her. Seek out what is best for one another.

5) This is a time where you can help her find new strengths or rediscover skills and hobbies she had left behind. Encourage her and empower her.  Help her realize that she is still the strong, talented, and the beautiful woman you fell in love with. It will be healthy for both of you. 

In conclusion, if you love your wife and are willing to be unselfish for a while, you will help reduce the stress associated with menopause and midlife changes, and maybe even reduce the length of some of the emotional symptoms. If she tosses and turns in her sleep, caress her; if she goes from under to over the blanket fifteen times in fifteen minutes go to your computer and check your investments because eventually she will find her comfort zone and you will be able to sleep about three hours (better than nothing).  If she screams, speak softly to her, and if she cries, hug her with all your might. It is in your best interest, and your life depends on it.  BE A MAN!